La’Fayette Lane and John LeBrun host UnScripted: Authentic Leadership.



UnScripted: Authentic Leadership is a discussion on spiritual, social, and political topics.

Recently, Dr. Vibe was on UnScripted: Authentic Leadership talking about “Fatherhood: The Importance of Being Present”.

During the conversation, the three talked about the following:

– The importance of presence when it comes to fatherhood and manhood

– The impact on a man when his father passes away

– How does a man who did not have a father when he was growing up show his kid(s) about fatherhood

– Fathers and dads improving their communication skill with their kids

– Where did Dr. Vibe get his passion to help men, fathers, and dads

 

Listen to the audio-only version of the conversation:


Watch the video of the full conversation



 

 

You can find out more about the UnScripted: Authentic Leadership broadcast

 

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited):

[Music]

00:10

welcome to the unscripted authentic

00:12

leadership

00:12

podcast a podcast where we are seeking

00:14

to lead change while also seeking to

00:17

understand

00:17

i am your host lafayette lane joined by

00:20

my co-host john lebron

00:22

we are here to bring another exciting

00:24

episode here

00:25

at the unscripted authentic leadership

00:27

podcast

00:28

and as you can see today we are joined

00:31

by a special guest

00:33

dr vibe he is the host

00:36

and producer of the award-winning show

00:39

the dr vibe show and you will hear more

00:42

about

00:42

who he is and what he does uh

00:45

momentarily

00:46

but before we get into that we

00:48

definitely want to just say thank you to

00:50

our unscripted audience

00:52

those of you that have been support

00:54

supporting us uh following us on

00:56

our social media platforms whether that

00:58

be on facebook

01:00

the unscripted authentic leadership page

01:02

or on our instagram at

01:04

unscripted leadership and you can even

01:06

find us on linkedin

01:08

uh unscripted authentic leadership and

01:10

those of you uh that may not

01:12

watch the podcast back on our youtube

01:15

channel

01:16

on facebook those of you that will

01:18

stream on our streaming platforms that

01:20

you can find us there

01:22

uh unscripted authentic leadership on

01:24

apple spotify google pie

01:25

kai’s ir radio stitcher and so forth any

01:30

major podcast platform uh you can find

01:33

us on

01:34

or even visit us at our website at

01:38
unscriptedleadership.buzzsprout.com

01:40

and i always we always start to show

01:42

just by making sure that everybody’s

01:44

good

01:44

checking in on everybody john how are

01:47

you doing man

01:48

fabulous wonderful it’s been a great

01:50

weekend so excited about having this

01:52

conversation

01:53

so important so yeah i’m good

01:57

yeah absolutely i am excited to get into

02:00

this conversation

02:01

on fatherhood and the importance of

02:03

being present

02:04

but before we dive into that

02:06

conversation

02:07

we want our guests to introduce himself

02:10

further

02:11

and tell the unscripted audience uh who

02:14

you are more about who you are and more

02:16

about what you do with the

02:17

dr vibe show well gentlemen thank you so

02:21

much for allowing me to share with you

02:22

and your audience i’m

02:23

truly humbled that uh john reached out

02:26

to me and said hey

02:27

love to have you on and say hey that’s

02:29

let’s make it happen so

02:31

i’m very humbled and i’m just here to

02:33

serve really and truly

02:34

here to have to serve and have people

02:37

win

02:38

really that’s what i get down to a

02:40

little bit about

02:41

me i’m dr vibe host and producer of the

02:44

award-winning doctor vibe show

02:45

i am based in toronto ontario canada so

02:48

north of the 49th

02:50

i’ve been hosting the dr vive show for

02:52

over 10 years i’ve done over 2

02:54

000 online conversations i’m a two-time

02:59

uh canadian ethnic media association

03:01

award winner

03:02

2020 actually if you don’t believe me

03:05

what my mentor always says

03:06

show proof i received this

03:11

love it that’s so cool in uh 2020

03:14

that’s right which is the best podcast

03:17

news award

03:18

and also the same organization gave me

03:20

the innovation award in 2018

03:22

which is their second highest level of

03:25

achievement award

03:26

and i’ve done that i also host the only

03:30

podcast or i just say online showcase

03:32

podcasts get so

03:33

overused i like to say online show i

03:35

like to be different at times

03:37

the only online show in the world for

03:40

dads and fathers that is sponsored by

03:42

dove men

03:42

care and dad central at dad central’s

03:46

canada

03:46

canada’s national fatherhood

03:48

organization i’m also board chair of an

03:50

organization called the global food and

03:52

drink initiative

03:53

which is a media non-profit to highlight

03:56

blacks in food

03:57

wine and travel around the world funny

03:59

enough all the board

04:01

is based in your country the united

04:02

states but i’m based here in canada

04:05

so that’s one of those things and uh i’m

04:08

an empowerment coach

04:09

mainly for men but other people too

04:12

i could run my mouth for a million years

04:14

but you’re not here to

04:15

talk for me to talk about me the why i

04:18

do

04:18

what i do is i just want people to win

04:21

and especially when it comes to men and

04:23

fathers

04:24

that i’m a strong believer that the

04:26

better that fathers and men are the

04:27

better the world will be

04:28

that’s my why yeah perfect absolutely

04:32

absolutely and that’s great uh

04:34

everything that you said

04:35

kudos to everything that you’re doing

04:39

we’re just honored and uh keep going

04:42

forward doc

04:43

yeah we definitely want to um hear more

04:45

of your expertise

04:48

i don’t know i think more mistakes than

04:50

correcting myself at times but

04:53

but you know what but hey but even

04:55

strong men struggle brothers

04:57

strong men struggle yeah that’s good i

05:01

think that’s a good that’s a good

05:02

uh launch point okay um because

05:05

uh we want to talk about the presence of

05:09

fatherhood and the importance of it i

05:11

think that

05:12

um we can kind of come to an agreement

05:15

that fatherhood is important

05:16

um but there’s different aspects to it

05:19

um points of like you just said about

05:21

uh the strong man about men being able

05:24

to be vulnerable

05:26

even in their family and in their

05:27

community but let’s start let’s lay the

05:30

foundation about the present peace

05:32

and so doc i just want to start the

05:34

question to start the conversation of

05:36

what does being present as a man and a

05:39

father mean

05:40

to you well it’s interesting a number of

05:43

years ago

05:43

i was doing a presentation i like i call

05:47

it a sharing session because i don’t

05:48

like

05:48

present i like to share with people and

05:50

a lot of times when i go out and do my

05:52

sharing sessions about fatherhood

05:55

large majority of the audience is women

05:57

and

05:58

i i talked about being present

06:02

in a father’s life and after a lady came

06:05

up she says you know what i disagree

06:07

with you

06:08

i go oh sorry all right she said

06:11

it’s more important for presence than

06:14

present and i thought about that

06:18

and one of the things one of another

06:20

things i do is i’m a

06:22

facilitator for a course called super

06:24

dad super kids

06:25

and it’s a parenting course for fathers

06:28

for kids

06:29

very rare you don’t see too many those

06:31

out there and one of the key messages we

06:33

want to give to fathers out there is

06:35

it’s not how much time you spend with

06:37

your kids

06:38

it’s what you do with the time you spend

06:41

with your kids

06:43

wow so when i saw this title about

06:47

presence and presence i said i wanted to

06:50

bring that

06:50

put that on the open in the beginning

06:52

that of

06:54

there could be many different reasons

06:55

that a father doesn’t have that time

06:58

with his child or children

06:59

but if he makes the quality time

07:03

when he’s spending time with his child

07:05

or his children

07:06

that is not only as of as important

07:10

maybe

07:10

more important so we can have fathers

07:14

that just hang out with their kids

07:16

but the kids aren’t feeling any good

07:17

vibes off of it it’s what they’re

07:19

doing the pre being present is one thing

07:22

what

07:23

presence is a father providing

07:26

his child their children so i hope i

07:28

didn’t mess you up with my response

07:30

there

07:31

we go but i just i just want to dive

07:33

deeper there so

07:34

a lot of things i’m going to share is

07:35

through evaluate experience and other

07:37

stories

07:38

from mentors that i’ve been given to

07:40

share with your audience this evening

07:42

you think it’s a little bit of the

07:43

difference between the father who’s like

07:45

emotionally

07:46

like involved with his children versus

07:49

around the house you know what i mean

07:52

absolutely

07:53

presents that’s the first thing comes to

07:54

mind is you know i have two children i

07:57

have andrew who is nine he’s actually

07:59

john the fourth we call him andrew or

08:00

drewski

08:01

um and um and lily who’s perfect in six

08:06

and um not really but i mean you know

08:08

she’s great

08:09

um but yeah the emotional presence of

08:12

being with your kids

08:13

around your kids emotionally and um

08:15

understanding what they’re going through

08:17

and listening

08:18

and those types of things versus you

08:21

know we all have friends who have who

08:22

are fathers or dads

08:24

yeah and they don’t seem to understand

08:27

what stage of life their children even

08:29

in

08:30

you say you know you’re like what

08:33

even some of the simple questions they

08:34

struggle with what do they like not like

08:36

all those types of things they i have a

08:38

friend who says

08:39

he uh he says something to me once it

08:41

was kind of i took it

08:43

it’s a nice compliment but i don’t i

08:44

didn’t understand why he couldn’t be

08:46

that way he said

08:47

i respect you a lot i’m like oh well

08:50

thanks and he said

08:51

because um he said you seem to really

08:53

understand

08:55

how to like uh the the kid things that

08:58

what he said he’s like i just don’t

09:00

he’s like i just don’t underst i don’t

09:01

get it like he’s a dad he’s around

09:04

there’s a disconnect between his

09:06

relationship

09:08

and his kids in the whole like in the

09:10

actual

09:12

engagement with the children if that

09:14

makes any sense and i don’t know why he

09:16

hat feels that way

09:17

but yeah he’s just not no it makes it

09:21

yeah it it makes perfect sense because

09:23

there’s a lot of dads and fathers that

09:25

are like that

09:26

i’d love to have a conversation with

09:28

that gentleman because one of the first

09:30

questions i’d ask him is

09:32

how was the relationship with you and

09:33

your dad when you were growing up

09:35

yeah very similar actually if i had to

09:39

write knowing him for that long your dad

09:41

was

09:42

you know didn’t come to a lot of events

09:45

loved them

09:46

very hard on him like very hard but i

09:48

never saw him

09:49

and thus he was like working on the

09:50

house kind of thing you’d never see him

09:53

at things and you knew they weren’t like

09:55

close he wasn’t going to talk to his dad

09:57

when he was in trouble

09:58

well one of my mentors said a long time

10:00

ago a lot of times when we’re kids we m

10:03

we emu we emulate what we replicate

10:12

something wrong my man you’re just like

10:14

what’s wrong

10:15

that’s good but it’s true right because

10:18

um you know perfect example many years

10:21

ago

10:21

i had the opportunity to host a session

10:24

called um

10:26

minding our minds and it was a session

10:28

for black fathers

10:30

and mental health okay two days before

10:33

the event

10:34

guess how many fathers signed up

10:39

very little i’m assuming take a guess

10:41

give me a number

10:43

um 50. i wish

10:49

i wish again three huh okay

10:52

guess how many showed up that day of the

10:55

event

10:56

i mean we’re guys it’s always last

10:58

minute it’s probably when you get your

10:59

turn out

11:01

like 30. not bad 40. oh wow that’s great

11:05

so i had my flip charts already and

11:08

divine intervention said ask this

11:11

question to the guys

11:13

and i asked them this question i said

11:15

how many of you

11:16

have or had a good relationship with

11:19

your father

11:22

how many hands went up take a guess

11:26

maybe a third

11:30

a few you said how many which means

11:32

that’s very little

11:34

three oh my so right there

11:38

what i wanted to do totally change

11:41

we just landed on that conversation

11:44

piece for three and a half hours

11:46

i had to kick him out of the place yeah

11:49

because

11:50

i realized that that is a core thing in

11:52

regards to fatherhood

11:55

so every father has a father the

11:58

question is where is that father or what

12:00

was that relationship and a lot of times

12:02

we don’t ask our fathers what that

12:05

relationship

12:05

is but one of the things i’ve noticed is

12:08

is one of the key moments in a father’s

12:10

life

12:11

is when his father dies regardless of

12:13

the relationship he had with that dad

12:17

it’s a key moment

12:21

so you you’ve been talking about the

12:23

development

12:25

um piece about the fathers who have had

12:28

fathers

12:30

so what do you say to that man that has

12:32

a family of his own now

12:35

either he didn’t have a relationship

12:36

with his father for whatever reason his

12:39

father was in jail

12:40

my father abandoned him or just as you

12:43

mentioned

12:44

um he sought after his father and after

12:46

a period of time maybe his father passed

12:47

away

12:48

so how does that father who doesn’t have

12:51

that model

12:53

that example um to follow how does he

12:56

learn how to

12:57

be present and how to communicate and

13:00

how to exemplify

13:02

say that he has a son how does he show

13:03

his son how to be a father when that was

13:05

never example

13:06

are exemplified for him great point and

13:09

it’s always an ongoing challenge i think

13:11

one of the things

13:12

that and i i guess people are beginning

13:15

to tag

13:15

me on this but i believe that before he

13:19

became a father

13:21

he’s a man so when i

13:25

i call it when i do my passion with

13:28

fathers

13:29

i want to develop the man first because

13:31

the better man he is the better father

13:32

he’s going to be if

13:34

he was not raised or did not have a

13:35

father in his life

13:37

we have to identify that well first

13:40

things first he’s got to ask

13:42

unfortunately a lot of times uh pride

13:46

comes in the way and

13:48

you do as one of the books i read says

13:50

pride comes before a fall

13:54

so if you know that something isn’t

13:56

right

13:57

what we have to realize too is as a

14:00

father

14:01

everything you do is going to impact

14:03

your kids

14:06

whether you know it or not and many

14:08

times when i’m helping fathers

14:10

when they make mistakes a lot of times

14:13

they’re only thinking about themselves

14:17

when they start thinking about their

14:19

family that’s when the light comes on

14:21

they have to realize that they have

14:23

impact if you haven’t had a father in

14:25

your life or not had a father figure

14:28

i feel for you truly and honestly i feel

14:30

for you

14:31

but that shouldn’t prevent you for

14:34

wanting to be the best father that you

14:35

can

14:36

there are organizations there are areas

14:38

out there and one of the things i say

14:40

that

14:40

every man whether he’s a father or not

14:42

should have two or three men

14:44

in his life they’re gonna love him

14:46

during the good times

14:47

and love them during the bad times

14:49

because you’re gonna have both

14:52

and it’s always better if you have as i

14:54

would call your ride or die guys

14:56

and these are not just guys who talk

14:58

about football or baseball

15:00

there’s more to life than that

15:05

so i fully believe that if you if you’re

15:07

if you don’t have it

15:08

ask for it if you really want to get

15:10

better and

15:12

you can’t do it all by yourself anyways

15:14

even if you did have a father

15:16

you can’t do it all on your own because

15:18

remember everything you’re doing is

15:20

having a good

15:21

or bad impact on your kids and on your

15:24

family

15:26

you know john did you have did you have

15:28

a question

15:29

before i move on no i was just i was

15:32

amen with everything you said it

15:34

made me just think about the importance

15:35

of mentorship and finding

15:37

those role models and people to look

15:41

um you know we have an episode on

15:43

mentorship it’s one of our

15:45

more watched episodes maybe the most one

15:48

and yeah if anybody wants to refer back

15:50

to it

15:51

basically talks about the importance of

15:53

having mentors in your life people who

15:55

can

15:56

they look at things from a bigger view

15:58

then you’re you’re in the weeds and

15:59

something

16:00

someone else can look at a higher level

16:02

and say and help

16:03

guide you through things or maybe

16:05

someone usually the further along in

16:06

life

16:07

and can help you sort of see the next

16:10

several steps of where you’re going

16:12

and that kind of thing or take a non or

16:14

even sometimes it’s nice to have

16:15

somebody who does not have a

16:17

emotional like they’re not emotionally

16:20

involved in what you’re trying to go

16:21

through

16:22

therefore they can help you make

16:23

reasonable decisions

16:25

without having the emotional attack

16:27

that’s why it’s so important not to make

16:28

decisions like late at night when you’re

16:29

tired or

16:30

you know you’re mad and stuff like that

16:32

yeah

16:33

it’s a good point you bring up i have an

16:35

acronym about you should not

16:37

it’s uh the acronym halt h-a-l-t never

16:40

make a decision

16:41

h when you’re hungry yeah a

16:44

when you’re angry c

16:48

when you’re lonely i mean t

16:51

l l is lonely not c we’re saying c hell

16:53

when you’re lonely

16:54

and t when you’re tired so that’s my

16:58

my halt acronym about making decisions

17:01

try to avoid making decisions if you’re

17:03

in any of those

17:04

states and you know i and i think that

17:07

it’s just so

17:07

key and you know what we’re all trying

17:09

to get it right so anyone who’s watching

17:11

this

17:12

i mess up like all the rest of them but

17:15

i realize that i just want to get a

17:17

little bit better each day

17:19

because as i say especially the fathers

17:21

and and men

17:22

a mistake is a moment it’s not a person

17:27

that’s good uh i wanna i wanna talk

17:30

about um

17:32

what would you say to the men and the

17:34

fathers

17:35

how can we better sharpen our

17:38

communication skills with

17:39

our children or with our family

17:42

i have a four-year-old daughter and i’m

17:44

a reader the things that i do

17:47

to if i’m not an expertise on a

17:49

particular subject i’ll read about it

17:51

because i feel like as just naturally as

17:54

men we’re problem solvers

17:55

yes our wife comes to us we’re not

17:58

really trying to communicate and have a

17:59

long

18:00

conversation we’re just trying to get to

18:01

the solution

18:03

but when you’re when you have a child to

18:04

have children like i said as a

18:06

four-year-old

18:07

trying to communicate to their level and

18:09

also modeling that communication between

18:12

her mother and myself how can men um

18:16

better communicate or sharpen our better

18:18

communicate our

18:19

sharpen our better uh our communication

18:22

skills

18:22

um when dealing with our families

18:26

okay so they’re just our aspects when

18:28

you’re thinking about children depending

18:29

on what age

18:31

one of the best ways especially if

18:32

they’re young kids one of the best ways

18:34

to improve your communication skills is

18:36

the aspect of play play with your

18:40

children

18:40

you find out how they communicate what

18:42

their limits are what their boundaries

18:44

are

18:45

play with them kids last i checked most

18:47

kids love play

18:49

and the the quality time you can spend

18:51

just playing games

18:52

playing puzzles it creates in most cases

18:55

a closer bond

18:56

with you and the child or children so

18:59

again one of the key aspects is play

19:01

as they grow up in age invest time in

19:04

them

19:05

ask how their day was especially these

19:07

days

19:08

when we’re in pandemic times uh

19:11

they’re gonna be around a little bit

19:13

more but invest in them

19:15

um us you know if depending what age ask

19:17

their opinions see how they’re feeling

19:19

because

19:19

especially now they’re spending so much

19:21

time in front of a screen

19:24

you want to make sure that you have a

19:27

notion of what’s going on

19:28

with them and it it doesn’t always work

19:32

but you have to show the initiative that

19:34

you are interested in their lives

19:37

because

19:38

in my opinion children are an investment

19:40

they’re not an expense

19:41

some people say yeah well they do cost a

19:43

lot of money yeah they don’t cost a lot

19:45

of money it costs a lot of money to

19:46

raise them the children there’s

19:47

themselves you want to create them

19:51

create them you want to treat them as an

19:53

it’s an investment in their lives

19:55

because as i say to many fathers

19:58

especially fathers that over

19:59

30 years old when i first well fathers

20:01

in general when i first meet them

20:03

i will say look god willing

20:06

you probably are not going to live as

20:07

long as your children they agree with me

20:09

on that

20:10

and then i say well let’s hope and pray

20:12

that they are living in a house

20:14

home apartment something after you’re

20:16

gone

20:18

i would love to see or love to know that

20:21

in that place there’s a picture of you

20:24

in their place how many fathers would

20:26

like a picture of them in their child’s

20:27

place

20:28

right then the next key part is so

20:32

someone asked who’s in that picture what

20:34

do you want that child to say about you

20:39

yo john you got anything

20:42

you were talking about um spending

20:46

taking time to have conversation and get

20:48

to know them through play and so forth

20:50

what about other aspects of like family

20:52

dinners you know things that

20:54

because we’re so busy too no my family’s

20:57

just as on the go as

20:59

anybody i’ll put my calendar right next

21:01

to anybody but

21:03

you know there’s nothing more satisfying

21:06

than being there’s nothing

21:08

that i love more than being dad like

21:09

there’s just there’s just not even close

21:11

people ask me who’s your favorite thing

21:12

like being dad it just

21:14

is it’s so it’s a lot of work but it’s

21:16

so gratifying and just seeing them

21:18

each step of the way you know just

21:21

getting better

21:22

especially my son he’s nine in this last

21:24

six months i just get emotional just

21:25

thinking how much he’s changed and grown

21:28

starting into that young man i’m just so

21:30

proud of him and you know

21:31

um he was the kid in class that i had i

21:34

have had a teacher conference with every

21:35

teacher

21:36

so you know and i’ve seen him and

21:38

remember your son your son is seeing

21:39

this

21:40

yeah right he’s seeing this yeah so

21:43

he’s you’re setting up the foundation

21:45

that god willing when he gets older and

21:47

he has kids

21:49

he’s the model he’s looking at you’re

21:51

looking at he’s looking

21:52

at the model when i say every teacher

21:55

it’s not because he was good it was

21:56

because he was like

21:57

the loud kid in class right and so if

22:00

everybody’s like well you understand my

22:01

kid no trust me i have the smart kid who

22:04

is like singing in class and stuff so i

22:06

get it but this year he’s changed so

22:08

he’s just amazing anyways um

22:11

what about so families on the go like i

22:13

don’t have time for this

22:14

what are some ways that they can

22:16

communicate whether it’s

22:18

dinner in the car stuff like that you

22:20

know to really

22:22

so here’s a good example you mentioned

22:23

dinner time

22:25

make it make a commitment and be

22:27

intentional that you have dinner

22:29

together

22:30

at least once a week and you put these

22:33

away

22:35

yeah have a basket

22:38

put it in the basket turn everything off

22:41

and dedicate that family time

22:44

like i don’t i think that again

22:47

if you are spending if we cannot spend

22:49

time with the ones we love

22:50

we can’t dedicate time to spend time

22:53

with the ones we love

22:55

you’ve got to remember what impact it’s

22:56

having on them not only at that time but

22:58

going forward

23:00

and the last thing you’d want to say or

23:02

if your son doesn’t do when he grows up

23:04

well that’s what daddy did

23:09

yeah i want to ask the question that

23:12

that’s been on my heart because

23:14

um how do we shift um the conversation

23:18

because i know the narrative often when

23:20

it comes to fathers

23:21

is that fathers are not present fathers

23:23

not president not there

23:25

um but the reality is i believe that’s

23:27

not the majority

23:28

i believe that there are a vast majority

23:31

of fathers that are present

23:33

what do we do about the fathers that are

23:35

present but don’t feel appreciated

23:38

what what what can we do to uplift those

23:41

men that are out there

23:43

in their family they’re working they’re

23:44

providing they’re doing all the things

23:46

that a good father should do

23:48

but they just don’t feel appreciated how

23:50

can we shift that paradigm

23:52

i think it’s up to us as men and fathers

23:55

that we’ve gotta do things like this

23:59

okay right because

24:02

it’s funny when a family situation is

24:06

not good

24:07

and the father leaves

24:10

many times after the father leaves the

24:12

father’s missed

24:15

right so i think that we have to have

24:19

more of these communications like this

24:21

and one of the good

24:22

results of the pandemic i’ve noticed

24:24

more men’s groups

24:26

and fathers groups online and i think

24:29

that’s a start there

24:30

because conversation leads to conversion

24:33

because

24:34

i’ve had the blessing of helping many

24:37

different types of men from a 17 year

24:40

old that’s had twins to a 55 year old

24:42

gentleman that spent

24:43

over 200 thousand dollars in custody

24:46

with family lawyers to get custody of

24:48

his child

24:48

and i would be having them at the same

24:50

table they’re relating to each other

24:54

they both got kids both living to be the

24:57

best for their children

24:59

we have to take the initiative we can’t

25:01

expect society

25:03

to come helping to us and let’s be fair

25:06

here

25:06

and and most ladies that i when i speak

25:09

this they get it that they realize that

25:10

there’s a lot of services out there to

25:12

help

25:13

women and mothers there isn’t as much

25:15

out there to help

25:17

men and fathers

25:20

so what we have to do is we have to take

25:22

the initiative a lot of its it all

25:24

starts with us

25:25

really and truly we have to do things

25:28

like this

25:29

have these conversations reach out to

25:31

men out there and just ask them are you

25:33

doing okay

25:34

once a week phone two or three guys just

25:36

ask them how they’re doing

25:37

and we don’t want to hear about work i

25:40

don’t want to hear about work i want to

25:41

hear how’s your heart

25:43

and not your your workout heart i wonder

25:45

what’s going on your emotional heart

25:47

that’s what i want to know i want to

25:49

know why you’re doing what you’re doing

25:51

i don’t want to know what you’re doing i

25:53

want to know

25:53

what’s going on inside of you because

25:56

there are too many fathers and men out

25:57

there that are screaming and nothing’s

25:59

coming out

26:00

sure sure so in the united states we

26:03

have a 60 70

26:05

divorce rate right yes i know that yeah

26:08

which means and i’m assuming canada is

26:10

probably similar percentages um

26:14

you know you guys are basically the same

26:15

you just say about different than we do

26:17

um

26:21

you have 10 times our population but all

26:23

the percentages

26:25

are pretty the same in regards to

26:26

percentage of population yes

26:28

great country you know lots of very

26:31

similar

26:32

and so with that by default

26:35

there’s going to be different households

26:37

with mothers and fathers and

26:39

typically courts lean towards mothers

26:42

for

26:43

parenting now sometimes it’s 50 50 and

26:46

that’s

26:46

okay but that means there’s probably 50

26:48

percent of the time

26:49

dad’s not around or mom

26:52

but we’re here today we’re talking about

26:54

fatherhood do you have any advice

26:56

towards that

26:58

well i don’t have enough power on my own

27:00

to change

27:01

the family court system but i do think

27:04

that

27:05

we have the if we band together we can

27:07

certainly make change in regards to that

27:09

there’s a a gentleman who’s become a

27:11

close associate of mine who is a family

27:13

lawyer

27:14

and the first time i met him he said

27:17

all i want is fathers to be retreat all

27:20

i want is fathers to be treated with

27:22

fairness and respect

27:24

i’m saying and i get that i’m saying

27:27

what

27:28

in regards to what dads can do be more

27:31

present

27:32

because they’re only going to see their

27:33

kids by default now

27:36

50 percent they’ve got to make the most

27:38

of that time they’re spending with the

27:40

child

27:41

they’ve got to make it a priority now i

27:44

there are situations where well let’s

27:47

here’s a perfect example

27:48

there have been situations where i have

27:51

um situations with fathers where they

27:52

have restricted access to their children

27:55

and they constantly they have two hours

27:58

to visit

28:00

and they’ll show up 15 minutes late

28:02

[Music]

28:07

children are smart you know right that

28:10

father don’t get it

28:11

that child does not feel valued because

28:14

they’re

28:15

they child realized i have a limited

28:17

amount of time with

28:18

daddy and daddy’s always showing up

28:22

late a lot of times what happens the

28:26

child don’t want to see the father

28:28

anymore so we have to be

28:31

intentional when it comes to our

28:34

children

28:34

intentional to be with our children

28:38

right because they get it yeah

28:42

i hope that answers your question no

28:44

it’s perfect intentional that’s that’s

28:46

my biggest takeaway from that

28:48

you know have to be intentional and know

28:50

your why

28:51

and realize that everything you do that

28:53

is going to affect that child in a good

28:55

or bad way

28:59

you know i heard you you you mentioned

29:01

about

29:02

uh men need to have more conversations

29:05

like this

29:06

yeah um but i also heard you mentioned

29:08

several times that you have

29:09

mentors that’s one of the things that we

29:12

really push here

29:14

on our platform is the importance of

29:16

mentorship

29:17

how did you go about is that something

29:19

that you sought after a mentor

29:22

um is that something that just happened

29:24

organically for you how did you

29:26

connect the mentors in your life um you

29:29

surrounded yourself with those people

29:30

that

29:31

um gave you that that iron sharpening of

29:34

our relationship how did you find that

29:37

well i got to a point where i said i

29:38

can’t do it all by myself and then

29:40

i’m blessed because i host an online

29:42

like i host about four or five online

29:44

shows

29:45

so i get myself in environments with a

29:48

lot of different people

29:49

and if i like what someone’s saying i

29:51

say hey can we have a conversation and

29:54

then

29:54

i like to filter because my time is

29:57

precious and also

29:58

if i have someone who i want to have me

30:00

mentor mentoring myself

30:02

i want to make sure their time is

30:03

precious and also if it’s someone i want

30:05

to mentor them

30:06

i want to make sure i make myself

30:08

available and saying how can i help you

30:11

i don’t want to be a gimme gimme gimme

30:13

person so they i was

30:15

with some of canada’s most powerful

30:17

people in the business world

30:19

now it isn’t a dad thing but i’ll show

30:22

tell you

30:22

how this mentorship came about so there

30:24

was a lady on there

30:26

she’s the vice president of sales

30:29

of one of one of canada’s biggest

30:31

communication companies

30:34

and she said during the call hey if

30:36

anyone wants some mentorship

30:38

i’m open so i was there like bang

30:41

like bang so i called her we eventually

30:45

got together and last week we had a call

30:47

for 30 minutes

30:50

we exchange stories of our journey

30:53

and within 10 minutes she goes you know

30:55

what i can tell you have a good heart

30:57

if there’s anything i can help you with

31:00

don’t be afraid to ask she

31:01

she got to the point where she said her

31:04

she was raised

31:05

by her father because her and her two

31:06

sisters

31:08

um the mother passed away when she was

31:10

13.

31:12

so again it relates a little bit to

31:13

fatherhood she goes i realize your

31:15

passion about fatherhood

31:16

and she said you know my mother passed

31:18

away from cancer

31:19

about four or five years ago i was

31:21

driving down in heavy traffic and i felt

31:23

a lump in my neck

31:25

and then she put up her phone and showed

31:27

a picture of her bald

31:29

she’s a chemotherapy survivor

31:35

so you want if you’re looking for that

31:37

mentorship

31:39

develop the relationship before you get

31:42

the mentorship

31:45

right i’m very much a relationship

31:47

foundational guy

31:48

and most of the time it works out good

31:50

sometimes it doesn’t hey

31:51

no problem but that story there where

31:54

someone i had never met before got put

31:57

their phone in the machine look this is

31:59

my ball head i’m a chemotherapy survivor

32:04

so we have to create for men and fathers

32:08

you always hear a safe space but we need

32:10

to create a safe

32:11

and brave space

32:15

for our fathers and men yeah people can

32:17

be safe but they can just be sitting

32:18

there

32:21

right they can be sitting there like a

32:23

bump on a log whatever

32:24

but you want to have a brave space so

32:26

they feel comfortable to share

32:28

their highs and their lows with you

32:32

and with and hey people out there it can

32:35

take a long time for some guys

32:38

hey just be ready because a lot of us

32:40

guys we got a lot of unpacking to do

32:42

and during our like and they always say

32:46

that when ladies

32:46

you uh mess up with a lady’s trust

32:50

it can be a bad thing it can be for guys

32:52

too

32:55

so it will take time don’t be afraid

32:58

it may take time for you to get that

33:00

trust but once you get that trust

33:03

there’s the environment for great things

33:04

to happen

33:07

that’s great that’s great i i think i

33:10

don’t think that we asked you or at

33:11

least i didn’t ask you about

33:13

what really ignited you to even start

33:16

and have that passion about fatherhood

33:19

like what was the foundation of all of

33:21

it you know that’s a great question and

33:23

i didn’t really

33:24

think about it seriously till about a

33:26

month ago

33:27

and i’ve always been passionate about

33:29

helping men but it really crystallized

33:31

about three or four weeks ago about

33:34

12 years ago my father

33:38

had a heart attack

33:41

and before he

33:44

i wheeled him in on his gurney

33:48

into his operating room and i don’t wish

33:51

this to anybody

33:52

but i wheeled them in and then i

33:55

was there with my stepmother

33:59

for four and a half hours reflecting

34:04

because i don’t know if i’m gonna see

34:05

him again

34:08

and saying you know i had those woulda

34:10

coulda shoulda moments

34:12

so after four and a half hours doctor

34:15

comes into the operating room

34:17

my world froze because i don’t know what

34:20

he’s gonna say

34:23

and he said he’s gonna be okay

34:26

i ran up to the doctor and i got down on

34:29

my knees and i physically

34:30

hugged his leg for about a minute and a

34:32

half

34:35

and then i went i asked the doctor can i

34:37

go and see him he said sure

34:40

and he said so when i went in there my

34:41

dad said

34:43

i can feel my toes now i go you damn

34:47

scamp

34:49

but i said that was the moment

34:53

i always been doing it but that really

34:55

crystallized at

34:56

that moment because my father and i

34:58

didn’t have the best when i was growing

35:00

up

35:01

but now we’re at the point where we were

35:03

each other’s best friends

35:04

and whenever we make important decisions

35:07

we always bounce it off each other

35:09

but we didn’t always have that but now

35:12

i’m glad

35:13

that he’s lived long enough and i’ve

35:15

lived long enough

35:16

for us to have that relationship but i’d

35:18

always been doing it but that’s when it

35:20

just really

35:21

crystallized that moment

35:25

yeah i think i think that’s so good that

35:27

point that you just made

35:28

um sometimes it takes a life event like

35:31

that for you to really stop and to

35:33

reflect and to realize

35:35

that you know whatever issue that we’ve

35:36

had in our relationship whatever

35:38

isn’t the schisms it was in the grand

35:41

scheme of things

35:42

it really doesn’t matter um as much as

35:45

having that genuine relationship with

35:47

your father

35:48

because the reality is you only get one

35:50

uh

35:51

yeah you know it’s it’s it’s so true

35:54

that you know

35:56

and and for a lot of guys

35:59

there there’s many moments in our lives

36:02

and this is fathers

36:03

and and men there are at least two

36:05

moments in our lives

36:06

that are challenging there’s one moment

36:09

in our lives and we

36:10

probably if we’re in our late teens

36:14

early 20s we’re not a teenager anymore

36:17

but we’re not a man

36:19

[Music]

36:22

unstable we’re not solid

36:25

and then you have when you get in your

36:28

late

36:28

40s maybe early 30s and you thought you

36:31

were supposed to be at a certain point

36:32

in life

36:34

and you’re not there yet you’re unstable

36:39

and sometimes we try to reach back and

36:41

grab back to our past

36:43

which we the stuff we didn’t have when

36:44

we were younger

36:47

and a lot of times with fathers and men

36:49

there’s a kid

36:50

inside that man that’s preventing him to

36:52

be a man

36:57

yeah that’s good john did you have any

37:00

other questions

37:03

no it’s been great i i feel like when

37:05

you say

37:06

that the father who’s who’s reaching

37:08

back because there’s a kid still in

37:09

there

37:10

it just makes me think of uh and i hope

37:13

nobody listens this takes us the wrong

37:15

way

37:15

but some of you may i guess oh it’s your

37:18

show so i’m gonna get off

37:20

yeah i can’t be fired though um but it

37:22

makes me think of

37:24

what i call the video game dead i’m not

37:27

saying i’m against

37:28

video games i don’t really play him

37:30

unless it’s with my son

37:32

and he’s on a limited time frame but um

37:35

so but um that’s for another day but

37:38

uh you know i i i watch a lot of times

37:42

when i see

37:44

dad on the video games from like 7 00

37:47

p.m

37:48

until like 3 a.m and then they’re

37:50

exhausted the next day

37:52

but that’s the thing continuous cycle

37:54

and

37:55

literally this is the weirdest i don’t

37:57

know why it happens but i was a gamer

37:59

in my late teens and early 20s i had my

38:03

son

38:03

and i did it was i did not intend it to

38:05

be this way i remember coming home from

38:07

the

38:08

hospital with him my wife was is like

38:11

two days home my wife was sleeping

38:13

because she’s still recovering from

38:15

surgery

38:16

i remember having him in a cup and a

38:17

crate in the carrier

38:19

and i was like you know what i’m gonna

38:20

play some madden i go to turn on this

38:22

football game on my playstation

38:24

i pulled the chair up i sit down i

38:26

looked at it and i just had this feeling

38:29

like

38:30

you know when you’re when you’re doing

38:31

something you’re like i’m totally bored

38:32

of this you know like i don’t really do

38:33

i’m like i just feel like um

38:35

i just don’t feel like it and that was

38:37

the last time i turned on

38:39

my own video game to play it and never i

38:41

was 20

38:43

i mean it was 10 over 10 years ago i

38:45

don’t even know 26 but my son’s nine so

38:48

i guess i’ve been nine years ago so i

38:49

played up till my mid-20s

38:51

but just for some reason it just was no

38:53

longer important

38:55

um so i don’t understand when someone

38:56

else wants to like let that take over

38:58

their life but i get it when you’re

39:00

saying now you’re saying that

39:01

the inner chi


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